Why You Tend to Rehash your Relationship With a Narcissist After You Break Up

People recovering from a relationship with a narcissist often have a very complicated, and long, recovery time. Longer and more complicated than the usual breakup. The ruminate night and day and spend hours reliving the relationship. This can be very distressing and clients often ask me why it is taking so long, or why they are going back over every single moment of the relationship.

I’m reminded of my favorite foreign film where you are in suspense, trying to figure out what is happening, up until the very end when the credits are rolling. Then you have to go back and watch the movie again with this new information to understand what is actually happening. And you have a new understanding of what is happening, “so that’s why the pens didn’t work”. The same thing can be true of your relationship with a narcissist. They completely turn you inside out. They originally court you with sweet words and attention. They lure you in. Then you slowly become aware of what they really are. The mask slips, the elaborate facade they created falls away, and you see the actual person behind the mask. The manipulation, lying, and gaslighting begin and they blame you for everything that is wrong. You have to fight your way through it to see clearly. It isn’t until the end that you get a glimpse of what is actually happening. Then you have to go back and review the entire relationship - with different eyes and increased understanding, just like the foreign film.

So don’t beat yourself up for ruminating about it. Your poor mind needs to do that to get a clear picture of exactly what you are dealing with and resolve the discrepancy between what they told you they were and what they actually were. Be kind. Be patient. You will heal.